Being Honest is Okay (Especially In A Relationship)

I don’t know if I like my boyfriend anymore.

This relationship thing is new to me, and from the beginning I felt so uneasy about all this. I regret not taking time on getting to know him better, I regret not being friends first, I regret not taking things slow; but I do not regret him. He has been nothing but nice to me. He has respected me in every way possible, and apologizes when he gets out of bounds. He has been a gentleman and I am thankful that he has entered my life. I know that he deserves better than me but he continues to tell me that I deserve the best. He puts me on a pedestal above everyone else, yet how come I feel more guilty than satisfied? I thought most women want men to make them their Queen. I thought most women desire their men to give them unlimited time and devotion without feeling guilty. He treats me wonderfully, however, here I am complaining.   

Each day I tell myself that I should give it time; time to let my feelings expand to meet where his are. I need to let down the barriers from my past that are guarding me from him–but I cannot, I will not allow for it. I know I push him away, but he also does not fight back when I do. He gives me my space when it is needed, without question or comments. He is so nice, so nice to me.

He constantly tells me that his friends and family are proud of him. He tells me that they like me as they can see the look on his face when he talks of me. They say that with the big smile and bright eyes he wears on his face the world will know that he is happy–and he says, “It’s all because of you”. I make him happy, and it breaks my heart.

Maybe it is because I get bored easily and I change my mind so often that my feelings for him are fading. I need excitement, I need laughter, I need happiness and challenges in my life! Happiness…I realized when we are together he has yet to make me as happy as I once was. He has yet to make me laugh that my stomach hurts and I begin to cry. He has yet given me the butterflies or got my heart to palpitate in a long while. He has yet given our relationship obstacles because each time he knows I am about to get mad he stops (he says he never wants to aggravate me in any way). Although he makes me feel special, he has yet to make me really happy. I think that is one of the reasons why my feelings for him are fading. 

I am so sorry, boyfriend. I want to try this out again. I want to give you another chance because maybe you will end up making me happy sooner (rather than later). Maybe one day my feelings will eventually match up to yours. Maybe one day I will be missing you when we are apart even after we saw each other the day before, especially during your 12 hour shifts at the hospital. Maybe one day I will get butterflies when I see you and get all nervous and shy. Maybe one day I will vomit to you stories about anything and everything and of course, they won’t make sense to you but nonetheless, you will provide me your undivided attention. Maybe one day, this whole thing between us will feel effortless and comfortable to the both of us. Maybe one day I won’t be awkward when we kiss. Maybe one day I will call you just to say good night or leave corny messages after the tone. Maybe one day, hopefully one day, I can make you feel happy and I won’t feel guilty but more of the feeling of being just as happy with you. Maybe one day we can be happy together.

Your truly sorry girlfriend,

Alex-Bianca

 

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