I understand that you want to get back together as you cannot stand to keep thinking about the “What if?” and “Could have been’s” in our almost blossoming relationship. I appreciate your thoughts and although it was very pleasant reading what you had to say, that does not change my mind and decision.
You do not understand how much you altered my perspective on many things and people—all for the better. You were not only an amazing boyfriend; you were also an incredible person. I am glad that I was able to see the inside of your soul or what you offered to show me. Your optimistic attitude, which was persistent in getting to know me deeper, is what I wished I acquired. You treated me more wonderfully each day and I felt beautiful when I was with you.
But I am not sure if you understand my point of view: I no longer feel happy when I am with you nor are my feelings for you increasing—it has become a steady plateau. I know that you will not accept my decision to end our relationship, but later on in life you will thank me.
You do not deserve what I offered you, if I offered you anything at all that is. You deserve someone who will give you everything as much as you give her. This girl will be much smarter and ambitious. She will be beautiful inside and out. She will twist a strand of her hair around a single finger when you first start talking (Note: She is just as nervous and naïve when it comes to relationships as you are). She will put on faint makeup and curl her hair on your first date and you will think of her as a beautiful canvas that you and I both saw at the ROM. Her voice will be as clear as crystal or maybe as soothing as a sonnet, but nonetheless you will love hearing her talk. Her laughter will become one of your favourite sounds. She will borrow your Humber Nursing sweater and when she returns it it will smell of her perfume, a scent that you will day dream of when you two are apart. Her eyes are so bright they tell her dreams and desires to everyone she meets. She will whisper to you her confessions while holding your hand. She will love the way you look at her because when you look at her she looks like every sunrise and sunset compiled into one. She will feel comfortable and safe in your arms and want to cuddle with you every chance she gets. You will catch her looking at you while driving and she will direct her gaze at a different direction and you will notice the blush on her cheeks due to embarrassment. She will kiss you unexpectedly while walking around Wal-Mart. She will hug you from behind while you are preparing grilled cheese for the both of you. She will attempt to stay awake and alert while watching as many Star Wars movies possible; she will ask questions about every character that pops on screen and you will always answer with a smile on your face. She will have a cute habit of biting her lip and looking down when she is nervous, but you will kiss her to calm her unsteady heart beat, which just so happens to match the beating of yours. She will miss you, and while you are driving away from her house after an incredible day at Ripley’s Aquarium, she will text you that she misses you. She will call you unexpectedly leaving you cute/sexy/funny voice messages. She will adore your big eyes and small lips. She will always run her hands through your hair when you kiss her. She will not want you to change anything about you because she will want you, all of you wholeheartedly. And if you ask her, she will be yours—without question or thought.
When you find her you will be more than happy or ecstatic because someone will finally put you on a pedestal. She may even place you on top of a mountain, I am definitely sure there is a spot on Everest waiting for you. She will be proud to hold your hand and kiss you by Niagara Falls. She will show off all your pictures and post them on her social networks. She will sing and play for you your favourite songs (and although they may be off tune, you will appreciate it). She will do all the things I never did for you or our relationship and you will be so thankful for her. You will appreciate her for her kindness and devoted time. She will love all the kisses you give her, awkward or not, they will still be blissful on her lips. She will always remember how your kisses taste.
I hope one day you will understand what you truly deserve and realize that you did not deserve me. I was not ready to commit and treat you the way you need to be treated. My barriers are built with brick and concrete and it will take many men to knock them down, if only I allow. Yes, time is needed however, at the moment I would like them to remain up and strong. Your time and patience can be devoted into something or someone else who will treat you with more grace than I can offer you, someone who will willingly put down their walls for you to see the insides of their soul.
We have only known each other for five months and our relationship lasted for a wonderful three, yet, I know that I do not need more time to evaluate my feelings—my plateau feelings. I want you to know that you became my season of Winter. I have never liked this season, omitting Christmas and New Years, but because we were together I felt that winter became more special to me. It was one of the coldest winters Toronto has had in awhile, however, you made the days bearable and I want to thank you for that.
I respect your undying optimistic attitude but I will only feel guilty if we continue our relationship when I know in my heart that I can never offer you the mountain or the million stars in the night sky. I will never look at you and get butterflies in my stomach or have my heart palpitate when we kiss. I will never laugh at your corny nor stupid jokes until I begin to cry. I will never be able to demolish my walls for you. If I am never able to do any of these things, the more terrible of a person I will feel like. I will be playing the role of your girlfriend but my feelings will not match up to the part.
I understand that you would not like to see me. I understand that your family and friends hate me. I understand if you are mad at me right now. I understand that there will be negative words said about me, but I hope that you will not remember me as the one who broke you. I hope that you do not remember me for my faults and flaws. I want to be remembered by the good times we have shared together. I want to be remembered by our random adventures and our innocent secrets. I want to be remembered as your hella awkward first kiss and our crazy walks during the coldest winter nights. I want to be remembered as a lesson and not regret.
Maybe you will be able to take what you learned from our relationship and better yourself for the next girl who will win your heart over. You are a handsome, smart and caring person and you can only go uphill from here. After all, we are all learning to become better people.
I hope to meet with you someday and maybe start over as friends or the very least meet me as an acquaintance. You have a big heart, Aaron but I am not sure if I belong there. I feel that I have been occupying a space for someone better for you. You two will cross paths sooner or later, and it will be all beautiful and new because you two will deserve each other. She deserves you and you deserve her.
Continue being an incredible person and continue to be inspiring. I believe in all of your dreams, I most definitely believe in you. Thank you for all of the memories and adventures. Thank you for everything you have done for me and our relationship. Thank you for your Kanye West rants. Thank you for being my Emmet. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for letting me see your soul. Thank you for being my Winter.