I always confided in you with everything and anything, you were one of the closest people to my soul. I felt that you almost figured out my code, that you can read me so well that I never even had to speak. When I was with you, it seemed that our friendship can do anything we wanted it to. We were inseparable and unbeatable, to others and myself included, we were the best team out there.
However, things changed. It seemed to me that I was the only one being open; I was willingly giving myself to you without your permission. Yet, I was there begging for your attention, begging for anything, big or small, that that I can hold on to. Isn’t it unfair how I surrendered myself to help you, but you gave me none at all? All I was looking for was to be noticed.
Each time, it seemed as if I was fighting for our relationship—friendship that deemed to be never worthy of your time. You put up an armor that you didn’t even realize, and still I attempted to break it down to see the cracks of you that I had shown during our time together.
You and I never believed that falling in love with your best friend was possible; however, I secretly changed my mind when my feelings began to develop. After all this time, I started to believe that maybe love is…falling in love with your best friend over and over again. Because don’t we all want to be in love with our best friend? I hid my feelings for years, covering them with artificial feelings for boys who came in and out of my life without a care in the world. I was hoping to find a hint of jealousy on your face or even concern of a heartache and break but all I got was one of your sarcastic jokes. Now don’t get me wrong, your ability to always be sarcastic is one of the qualities that I love. You never fail to keep a smile on my face. When you burst out in rap song, when you imitate our friends, when you lower your voice, when you awkwardly laugh, when we’re at Ikea playing house, when you pretend you’re part of the fast and furious cast; you always keep me smiling and that’s my favourite part about you.
I know that you will never cease to care for me more than the title of “best friend”, and this is where I need to draw the line. All these years of friendship, I expected you to eventually develop a deeper sense of mature feelings for me.
After my accident, you were the first person I thought of calling, wasn’t that enough to make you realize just how important you are to me? To be honest, I was hoping after the car incident that you’d realize your feelings and begin to care for me much more and finally love me back. I thought that you’d be the first one at my door with a box of pizza, because that is much better than flowers. I was secretly hoping for you to surprise me with your love. But you didn’t even want to visit me.
Yes, I texted you those messages, drunk or not, those were still my feelings. I’ve had enough of you because you don’t care. I’ve had enough of you because I’m surrounded by best friends who fell in love and think that we were supposed to have that before them. I’ve had enough of you because you didn’t text me or call me or do anything to ensure that what I had texted you was a valid message of how I feel. You just left everything. You didn’t investigate. You just didn’t do anything. And this is why I’m done with you. You aren’t doing anything that is giving me a reason to stay with you. I’ve been friends with you for so long and it comes to a point where I know that I deserve to be cared and respected with much more than you are giving me, even if we’re just friends.
I had told myself repeatedly that I have no right to be mad at you and expect so much from you because we are just friends, however, don’t I have a right because of that exact reason?
I meant it when I said that I’ve had enough of you. I meant it and still do. Yet, there are parts of me longing for your stupid self, waiting to hear your random outbursts of rap songs and your laugh but those things I’ll have to sacrifice. I know that you never needed me as much as I think I needed you. I know that you can live your life fine without me being in it. I know that my wasted love for you will never be replaced by yours. I know that I’ll never be the girl of your dreams. I know that but I hope you know that I still love you. I hope you know that you were always placed on a pedestal in my life. I hope you know that I’m trying to live my life without you and it’s hard. I never knew that I can love someone so much, who never even loved me.