Living Without My Soul Mate

How can someone move on from losing her soul mate after being together for eleven years?  How can someone emotionally be okay with going through weeks filled with midterms, assignments, stress and dealing with a broken heart? How can someone genuinely laugh again when her happiness depended on him? How can I go on with life without you here?  I had so much doubt in myself after you left. I kept on waking up each morning feeling this black hole inside of me, this piece of me that you had taken away when you left my life. The only thoughts that did cross my mind every morning were three sentences that cut like knives: He’s gone. He’s never coming back. It’s my entire fault.

You were my only friend, you were the only person who I was able to rely on each day. I needed you. I felt so lost without you by my side, as if I was a lost Bilbo Baggins on his journey without the help of his 13 dwarves. You were my 13 dwarves. But really, you were my soul mate and I loved you but you’re the one who never loved me back.

Days had passed and I still didn’t hear from you. I continuously felt this emptiness in me wondering each day what you were doing and if you were just as broken as I was. Everything I saw or every heartbroken song that I heard, I related it back to our relationship that had crumbled in the palm of my hands. I couldn’t have saved it, although I tried so hard to be the superhero I just couldn’t fix the broken.  I insisted on putting an act in front of others around me letting them know that your absence didn’t affect me. I was fine. I continued my life. I went to parties. I talked to other people. I was lying to myself saying that “Everything is okay”. I started to see different boys who were nothing like you and attempted to find that missing piece in my life with other people who didn’t fit the part.

Four months had passed, Christmas was just around the corner and the semester was coming to an end, yet I still hadn’t heard from you. I had discreetly talked to our mutual friends about you, trying to find bits and pieces of information on how you felt but they were always on your side and told me little to nothing.

Late night thoughts haunt an average person much more than I imagined and my feelings came over me as I began to write you that letter. I hoped you would have forgiven me. I hoped you wanted to rekindle our friendship and erase what happened. I hoped you wanted me back in your life as much as I wanted you back in mine. But my 2AM plea backfired on me when your 2:55AM response came. What you said had echoed in the back of my mind that night. I desperately wanted to fight for our relationship but you turned it down.

I cried until I fell asleep and I cried the next day afterward. I didn’t eat for two days.

I was a total wreck and I began to use my boyfriend to fill this emptiness you left in my soul but he wasn’t you and I didn’t need him. He didn’t fit the way you did. I would constantly watch our old videos and look at our pictures. I wrote stories about our adventures to keep our relationship alive.  Although you weren’t physically with me, at least I knew that I had something of you to hold on to, even if it was from my imagination.

I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend after three months and begin to focus on myself. I started to depend on him for far too many things, and I wasn’t respecting him the way he needed to be. I ultimately knew that I was just using him for all the wrong reasons.  Somewhere within those months I forgot how it was to be by myself, to be independent and happy. And around that same time I heard you were fulfilling one of your lifelong dreams and traveling solo to Japan and Korea. I’ve never been happier for you then I was at that moment. I prayed for your safety and I prayed for your happiness. I suppose our timing for exploring, either in ourselves or in a distant continent, was perfect. I thought that this was a step for the both of us to grow and move on without each other; but more of me without you. I’m constantly learning to become a better version of me, and I hope you’re growing and shaping into a fine man with big dreams.

Within the past five months I’ve been learning to love all my flaws. I started to become independent and I love it. I started working out. I’ve been eating healthier. I’ve began reading again. I got back into writing my feelings. I’ve been finding bits and pieces of happiness in little things. I’ve been playing music more often. I started learning new and exciting things. People have started to notice this glow in me and it makes me happy.  I’ve been doing well and somewhere along these months I’ve also learned to accept that you aren’t part of my life anymore and realized that I didn’t need anyone to fill that space you left, I was the one to occupy it with my self-love. It took me awhile but I’m doing alright without you by my side.

I used to think of those moments when we thought we’d be best friends forever, but sadly, our forever ended much more quickly than the both of us had expected. I take full responsibility of the fact that this mess was my fault. I admit that we can never return to our normal state. I understand that we will never be best friends ‘forever’ again. I accept all of this, and I’m sorry.

Eleven months ago I wanted so badly for you to love me like I loved you but today I learned that you were the person that I loved, and will always love, but you’re the one to never have loved me back. I’m emotionally stable. I’m able to live with school and life without you. I’m breathing easier and seeing each day with positivity. I’m moving forward without my soul mate of eleven years, although I feel there will always be a little pull from my soul as it knows its other half is somewhere on this Earth.

I think it’s kind of funny because I’m starting to forget you when I was so used to seeing you daily. I’m starting to forget how you looked like when I used to be able to imagine you so vividly in HD. I’m starting to forget your jokes that made me laugh so hard. I’m starting to forget little pet peeves of mine that used to bother me, yet I still allowed you to do them. I’m starting to forget your voice which I felt so accustomed to. I’m starting to forget you. And if God allows us to cross paths again, I will see a stranger in front of me but I know for a fact that my soul will have my heart beating so loud because its missing piece is within distance reach. Maybe my soul will finally be at peace the next time we have an encounter. Maybe my soul will relax knowing that you’re alive, happy and better than the last time I saw you. Maybe my soul will be ready for a proper good bye and we’ll leave each other’s presence with nothing but bliss and I can only pray that you have everything in your life that you need, even if it doesn’t include me in it.

 

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