You held my hand three weeks ago, and kissed it

I don’t understand you and I guess I never will.

You came into my life suddenly and unexpectedly and our friendship began to blossom to something so innocent yet so filling. And slowly we entered another level of affection and concern when we started staying late at night together on the phone, exchanging secrets we never told anyone else. We would talk about future dreams together and we always joked around. Then one night our connection grew stronger when you grabbed my hand on the car ride home and kissed it, so softly as if you were so afraid of breaking me. Our hugs were longer and tighter and it was in the comfort of your arms I had found my new home. You are my home and you make me happy. But I must continue to remind myself that I cannot depend on another for my happiness. The way I see it, however, if I continue to surround myself with your presence I’m allowing myself for happiness. I choose you, and I will continue to choose you. Yet we agreed to be each other’s Plan B, I already knew that you were my only option. And for yourself, you had other plans before me and I respect that. You can let yourself go on many dates, kiss other girls, hold their hand and do whatever you will; and I will still be here because I am your plan b. And since this is so, I can’t allow my feelings to grow for you any further; I mustn’t allow myself to choose you over and over again. I have to be able to understand and get through my head that you see me as your option, the girl who will always say yes to him because you called me special. You called me beautiful. You told me you loved me. And you told me you cared. I beg of you that you take back those words you said to me because it isn’t fair for me not to feel anything for you when you poison me with yours sweet words. It isn’t fair for my feelings to grow for you when you send me love songs and when you call me late at night. It’s not fair when you stop messaging me and ignore my messages when all I wanted was to hear your voice before I go to bed. Because how am I supposed to stop talking to you when for the past year we talked to each other every day? How can you just stop with the texts and secrets without a word? You just stopped and I don’t know why. I don’t understand if maybe I became too pushy of getting to know you better and deeper. Maybe I started to have an impact in your life and you didn’t want to commit to our beautiful foundation of friendship. But please, please, I beg of you; do not shut me out because of your feelings when I’m trying to make sense of your actions towards me. Why couldn’t you just be straight up with me and let me know how you’re really feeling? Why couldn’t you just let me know if I took a step to close, I will take five hundred steps back for you. Why can’t you just tell me the truth, because that’s all I really want from you. I will choose you over and over, but as long as you be truthful to me. And I know I can’t ask much from you, I know I’m just an option in your life; but being real with me is the least you can do for playing with my heart. You knew what happened to my past, and you told me yours; it just sucks that you’re ignoring me and I have no idea why. I noticed our conversations getting dry since last week, since the day when you went out with her; the day when you texted me asking about my shift at the hospital….but also that day when you ignored the world and was focused only on her. You didn’t even say sorry for not responding and I know I shouldn’t catch feelings but I am because you made me feel special and you told that it was true. Then when I saw you this past weekend, I didn’t feel like the world was a blur and it was just you and I that were vivid like I usually feel. I didn’t catch your eyes looking at mine like it usually does. I didn’t feel anything and I think you were trying to hide something. I feel like you were trying to hide a secret, one that I will never know and understand.

I just want to understand you and your actions, if only you would allow me to.

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