I wrote this for you, 2 years ago

Dear Grandpa,

You’re countries and time zones away from me, and each day we’re growing older. I’m here as a 19 year old college student trying to find out where I’m meant to be in this world and why.  There are a million different strings pulling me towards certain paths, but I have no idea what string I must hold on to that will eventually bring me to my dream.  It constantly bothers me because I want my family to be proud of my future; I really am doing most things for their happiness.  I suppose, I will admit—I forget what I want in order to pursuit and achieve their standards they have set for me. I’ve already let them down, and I know that I can’t let that happen again.

Things have been tough lately with our situation that we’ve been placed with, and I often think, “Why has this happened to us?” and my thoughts continue to run and pick at all the flaws and imperfections. Sometimes I start to blame them and it is horrible. We try to be happy in front of others; however, deep inside it’s killing all of us, slowing tearing us apart.  We can’t do anything to immediately get us out of this mess, so we wait here. But somewhere out there, good news will come to us because there is good in all situations; there will be a blessing in disguise.

In the meantime, I’ll be striving to find my true calling, while studying to become a registered nurse and if all goes well, I will be graduating in the year of 2016.  When I pass my boarding exam, I hope to start my career at a hospital in downtown Toronto, and then become a travel nurse in hopes of working in San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver, and maybe England!  I long to travel and explore different parts of the world.  Wanderlust is my weakness, although I”ve only traveled to the States and Philippines in my lifetime, but I’m still young and the world is my playground. After working around the world, I’ll settle back in Toronto, move into an apartment with my sister in downtown and receive a job in the known Sick Kids Hospital. People often tell me that working at Sick Kids is difficult, watching children in pain and knowing that some of them will die before you do, however, I believe that children need a ray of sunshine, known as hope, through their most difficult times, and I want to be their ray of hope. I don’t know how I’ll help them, but I’ll be there for them.

In the future, I hope to introduce you to a great guy, I’ll meet him and we’ll fall so in love; in love enough to elope to Vegas to get married in the White Little Chapel and end it with an impersonation of Elvis Presley pronouncing us as man and wife.  I hope you won’t mind my crazy, stupid, naïve wedding bell plans, but don’t you worry, if God allows, we’ll visit you on our mini-honeymoon.  He’ll be intelligent, successful at his job, and laugh at all your jokes.  He’s everything I’ve been searching for and someone who I truly deserve.  And with the small amount of time you’ll spend with him, you’ll realize you love him too and that I’m in good hands.  He’ll be a great husband; you don’t have to worry about me. When you two meet, he’ll shake your hand confidently with his gorgeous smile, and immediately ask for you to tell us a story. You’ll smile, ear to ear, as you feel honored and begin to recall a story that you never told me.

 See I wish I got the chance to personally know you; I’ve never spent quality time with you and I regret it.  I wish I got the chance to learn things about you and Grandma, and your love story.  I wish I got to learn what annoys you, what your favourite food is, what TV shows you like to watch, what your favourite piece of clothing is, if  you snore at night or laugh incredibly loud…I don’t know anything and it kills me. If only we were able to spend our Christmases, birthdays, Easters, and every other day in between together.  To be able to daily receive a hug, a kiss, an “I love you,” or just a moment of silence with you holding my hand.

I want to miss you, the real you, but I’m only missing the ideal image I’ve created of you if you were able to be around as I grew up. How would you be if you were here? Would you be that grandpa that allowed me to sit on your lap and tell me stories of your childhood and recite how you won Grandma’s heart? Or would you be that old grumpy grandpa that would scold me for coming home late? Or maybe you would be that grandpa that showered me with gifts and sneak a kiss, just because you love me? Or would you be that grandpa that knew I had a terrible day and come into my room, after I slammed the door on you, and allowed me to cry as you comforted me, secretly saying, “Everything will be alright, I am here for you,” But I don’t know if you would do any of that because I don’t know you. Please don’t blame yourself for my thoughts, as my thoughts run wild as I put them on paper.  However, things are better the way they are, countries and time zones apart, only communicating from the once in a blue moon basic phone conversations.  But even phone calls won’t give it justice; it’s the moments spent physically together that will. We should let it be, carefully not to disturb with the universes’ plans because things are better this way, and it’s like this for a reason, whatever that reason may be.

I hope you’re doing amazing, continue to take care of yourself and your new wife.  I hope that you’re happy every morning and every night.  You don’t need to worry about your grandchildren; we’ve learned to push through, always searching for a positive outcome.  We’re strong little warriors because we have faith.

I look forward to introducing you to him and to hear your love story about you and Grandma. I’ll be waiting for your incredible touch: a warm and comfortable hug, a long awaited kiss, and that hand to hold that are countries and time zones away from me.

Love you

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