You don’t look me in the eyes like you used to

To the one who I thought was falling for me, but clearly was just wasting his time on a girl who was always willing to say “yes” to him.

I don’t want to be in your life anymore and this can work. Being my sister’s best friend, I don’t need to associate myself with you unless my sister is having a grand party. Other than that, you can kiss our texts and late night conversations on the phone goodbye. Oh wait, you already have.

I swear you were falling for me at the same rate I was falling for you. It was instantly after the five months which we were apart, and it started on that cold December evening when our hugs were longer than before. I could’ve sworn I saw the tinkle in your eyes when you would smile at me and it made my heart skip a beat or two. It was when we would speak in a crowded room that we felt as if we were shining the brightest. I assumed that whenever we held hands while walking down the street, it was a proclamation to those around us that we were in love. And out of nowhere, you kissed my hand so softly but so boldly.

Each day we were growing more and more into each other, sharing and accepting each other’s secrets and past stories. I was deciphering your code with each minute together and you didn’t mind at all. You began breaking the hard exterior of your barriers and I started to see the little cracks which you hid from those around you. Our friendship was blooming gracefully and we were inseparable. It became that addictive friendship when a 24 hour day wasn’t complete if we haven’t spoken to each other.

You would remind me each day that I was special and that you cared for me, and I felt more confident in our foundation and in myself. I was making sure you got home safe after you’ve driven your sister to school three hours away or picking her up from the club at 3AM. You were making me the happiest I’ve ever felt in two years. I was your outlet when you needed to vent. You became my rock when I needed someone. I became your guide to several of new foods. And one day when we were together, we looked at each other and knew that this was something more that the average friendship. And I decided that I wanted to keep you for myself but there was always that voice in my head telling me that we were not meant to be. We continued our friendship each day and I believed that it would only go uphill from there.

And all of the sudden, I stopped receiving any form of acknowledgement from you. One day passed, and I was alright with that. The next two days became four, which proceeded to six and then day eight rolled in. Days would pass and not a word or notice from your usual self. It was as if you fell off the face of the earth and you never said goodbye.

A couple of weeks later, my sister mentioned to me that you were seeing a new girl and I felt a familiar sting in my heart that happened long ago but still hurt just as much as the first time. This was too fast and the cut was too deep. It was as if the world had stopped to freeze time and the next second it was spinning too fast for my liking.

I trusted you and looked at you with much respect and admiration, however, now my perception for you is damaged and disrupted by those arms which I once called home.

I never understood your actions towards me that night when you told me that you loved me and I will always question your motives, but I understand that I was just something to void your time until someone better came along.

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