I wrote this when my heart was broken and I realized that I love you

This sucks. My heart hurts and my body is slowly shutting down.

Every day I wake up forgetting you’re not beside me anymore. I hug the pillows that take your place instead.

I find myself trying to look for your scent in every corner just so I can breathe in that familiar smell. I hope it would fill my lungs, giving me life but I can only smell the cold coffee I drink, the smell of bitterness and broken.

Sleeping is the hardest. I no longer fall asleep to my lullaby, which was your voice over the phone or you snoring. Instead, I replay your last voicemail you sent, over and over. I savior those thirteen seconds before we ended, and I could hear the smile formulating while you were calling me ‘baby’.

I miss your smile. I miss every inch of your body that you gave me, and in return to you, I gave you mine. I let you see me, all of me. You have witnessed both my naked body and my naked soul; something not everyone had the privilege of seeing but you helped me. You helped me remove my wall of pride, greed, and trust. We were able to replace those walls with peace and harmony, and a little bit of love that we have grown to share. You taught me how to love another person, how to care for someone, how to be with someone.

And although we both need more help than ever, we were working on being better, together. We were working and striving to be the best versions of ourselves for our “hypothetical” future. Our future with our 3 dogs, and 2 cats; our future with our children who had badass names; our future with your rock star life and my mission trips; our future that we were planning to have together. We had it all set but the universe was throwing signs of our affair. We’ve been busy thinking about ourselves and our happiness that we had forgotten to think about the others. How many people disagree of us, how many times is it repeated that we should not be together? Now, we are finally complying to what everybody else wants. We’re letting other people’s happiness be present before our own, because that’s the right thing to do, right? To make sure others are happy when we’re not.

And it hurts immensely, and I’m sadder than ever. My hurt is hurting. I haven’t been able to sleep for the past 2 days. I haven’t eaten for the last 2 days. I haven’t been myself for the last 2 days. And it’s because I’m missing you. I’m missing your laughter. I’m missing your hands. I’m missing your self-centered attitude. I’m missing your immaturity. I’m missing you. But I can’t have you back.

You were my right person at the wrong time and maybe in the other verses, we’re happy and together. In those other universes, we have our four children with badass names, our three dogs and two cats. You’re a big rock star. You’re successful. And I’m by your side every step of the way. And at the end of the day, you and I would always come home to each other.

So if another verse exists and we’re together, it makes sense that in this one verse, we’re not. It just had to happen or it wouldn’t be fair to us everywhen else. I just met you at the wrong universe.

I just met you at the wrong universe.

I just loved you at the wrong universe.

I catch myself each time I pray to my guardian angel to talk to yours, who just happened to be your Asian warrior/ninja, to help you along the way just to make sure you’re doing fine.

Because I still care for you and I’m hurting so much.

Because I’m in love with you and I’m missing you so much.

We always said we had a world to conquer, and maybe we don’t conquer this world together, but in another universe we have already conquered it.


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